I am a butterfly - John Marshal © Srishti Madurai.

Art by Kalyani Ganapathy

Storms silent and storms dancing....a correct description for my life after coming out...though gay angel emerged from me like a neonate the cute angel was young..very young..the baby needs some nutrition...a sweet milk from a mother...i,like a women after conceiving seemed very tired...very,very tired...i like a mother nurtured my gay angel...after the fact that my label as a gay reached my father's ears ,he like a muddy pot died after a clash, remained as a broken daddy...i had the duty to make him to understand about me..understand about me clearly...

It was his initial decision of counseling which made me to meet a church father....i narrated him the whole events and told him about my sexuality...his suggestion was that it can change..homosexuality is just an changing phase of life...but whenever i met him (the counseling was done thrice) again it was the sense of happiness and smile that prevailed in my face..when he asked me the reason and conveying his idea about my smile that it arises from my "changed" heart with an opposite force to his words,i replied him.."I,I am a gay...i am clearly a gay"......

My father was in his height of sadness...he asked me to consult a doctor to change myself...one of our family friend's who came to know about that i am a gay had once asked me "Why are you resisting the change?? why are you not consulting any doctors to get rid of this gayness..?"..i replied him calmly.."Uncle, please understand.I never wish to yield myself as a test animal..none know about homosexuality in clear..and it is not a disease...it was an old notion...so i never wish to give myself as a scapegoat, as a test animal for those people who say that homosexuality is a disease..".....

It took several months for my father to understand me..now he is OK with that..not completely..i feel i have to wait with patience...patience will win one day.....i had explained about me completely to him and what i feel...

Yes..it take a lot of time....the friends who discriminated me felt sorry for their act and again started a close friendship with me..though they feel that they are straight i usually say about my experiences and life as a gay to them....many friends of me came to know that i am a gay, but whatever they may feel about me, they are not discriminating me now...if they didn't like it they still love a feel of friendship with me..maybe a blessing for me....

My dad even accepted that if i get anyone whom i can call "partner", to settle with my partner..though he can't understand my feelings completely my dad accepted myself...my face...my real face..my dear child,the gay angel....

Whatever may be i must say how i had survived in those six months of discrimination...it was rude...but i loved it..it only transformed me to a person writing this stuff...i am a butterfly...i wish to fly....i must say thanks to bacteria...seems mad??..he-he..that was the reality....whenever i reared bacteria in that labs under those chambers i felt myself freed...i saw something good sprouting inside me whenever i see a colony of bacteria germinated in the petri plate..he- he..seems mad..but real....my tears, wet tears all vaporized whenever i reared those cultures...maybe you can call this "shift to other plane"...

I have to say thanks to the social networking sites for at least providing me to express what i feel..though i may not perceive the physical sense of thousands of members of those sites whenever i expressed myself in those communities via posts expressing myself it felt myself loved...my gay angel growing alive....i have came to know that there are and more people other than me in this world who are experiencing like me..feeling like me...one such was one my inspiration Harish Iyer....

I came to know about him..his experiences..his life...pains make a person to adopt a face of resistance..i obtained such an inspiration from him..frankly saying i was much shocked when i read his story...but the way how he struggled with all those oppositions provided me another dimension for seeing my problems....

Another one i must indicate is Audre Lorde..the mother,lesbian,warrior,poet....the greatest american feminist....her thoughts and her words shaped me...seeded light inside of me...

Also i must mention about Valerie Solanas,the American radical feminist....her path of life..her thought..her ideas..her manifesto called SCUM manifesto was such an great inspiration for me to fight in this world with my gay angel...such fierce and strong words, like the storms prior to rain cultivated my mind...to a great extent and shaped me...shaped myself....

And the life of Andrea Dworkin, the American radical feminist was such an great inspiration for me..a inspiration to fight as a warrior...warrior with proud and out....



Art by Kalyani Ganapathy

"I am a butterfly..

I never live inside that temporary cocoon...

I break it...
Break that cover...
A heavy cloth..
I make myself nude...
Nude in the joy of love...
Joy of myself called a queer...
As like Alice in her wonderland
Slays jabberwockey...
I'll break this cocoon...
Before the dawn breaks..
To fly around and breathe some fresh air..."